Come On In, the Radiation Is Fine...

It's true. You do learn something new everyday.
Like today, for instance It's true. You do learn something new everyday.
Like today, for instance. I learned that unlike in the comic books and science fiction, prolonged exposure to pretty much any form of radiation should come highly unrecommended!
I mean, it's not like it was that great of idea to begin with, but here's what happened...
It was a pretty average day when that 18 wheeler packed up, into my lawn. The whole truck was white,... everything. I have no idea why. It also had an eerie glow about it, but I digress...
Anyway, so this truck backed up to my yard and some guy in a white suit and a funky mask started rolling these big drums off of the trailer in some kinda real hurry. Like he was afraid I'd notice,... even though I was just standing there eating a delicious muffin.
Then, just as quick as he arrived, the guy in the big white truck was gone.
At first I just didn't care. Living as close to the highway as I do, trash being thrown into my yard was nothing new. So, I just went inside and cooked several dozen fried bologna sandwiches... just in case!
A couple hours passed and the itching started. Not your normal itching either. Not like crabs or herpes or anything. It was kinda like a trillion and six little mosquito bites. Next thing I know, I'm naked as the day I was born, violently scratching my entire body with a tuning fork!!! Now, usually I'm not that itchy, so it occurred to me that something must be different.
It was only once I staggered my nude, bleeding self outside and tripped over one of the ominous drums (causing minor brain damage...), that it occurred to me. It was the drums that were new!!!
So, like anyone with the intelligence of a sea slug would do, I grabbed my trusty 9lbs. sledge hammer and started wailing away on one of the containers.
Within only a couple of minutes, one of the drums burst, covering me in a gelatinous, orange substance.
Of course, my first reaction was like that of anyone else in that situation,... I licked it. Numerous times.
When I awoke I was actually a little excited about my experience!
I thought that maybe that orange stuff would give me some sort of great and wonderous powers. Something amazing, like the ability to shoot webs, or change my body mass, or become invisible at will. Ya know, something I could use. Heck, I'd have been happy with gills or even a second set of arms... But NOOOOO! Not me, I can't get covered in radiation and get a GOOD super power. All I got was a lot of internal blistering and a month-long case of shrieking, acidic diarrhea!!! THANKS RADIATION!
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too....

The Week In Retrospect...

I lead a pretty average life. To prove this point, and for lack of anything interesting to write, I'll give you an example of the ultra-boring goings-on of the last week.
Prepare to be left feeling sorry for me and the otherwise feeble existence I lead...
Let's see, I guess we start at the start...

Sunday: Sunday is the day of rest, so basically I did two things.
First, I went to church, then I spent the remainder of the day licking pancake syrup off of my own chest.

Monday: Monday was pretty normal up till about noon when I found that 450lbs. albino tryin' to squeeze into my dirty underwear after having burst through my wall just like the Kool-Aid man.
I tried to calmly explain to him that there's no way his 58 inch thighs were gonna squeeze into my WAY sexy boxer briefs, but he seemed rather intent on trying, just the same.
After a brief interlude, I sprayed him in the eyes with wasp spray then beat him about the brow and throat with nunchaku (... or "numchucks" for the simple minded folk) for darn near a coon's age.
Then,... his cell phone rang. I stopped beating on him, because that would be rude to do so while he was carrying on a conversation.
Sadly, he must have gotten bad news, because when he ended his call, he turned to me and started vomiting live chickens. This was scary. So much so as I covered my eyes...
Finally, I resigned myself to one less pair of underwear and just went in the other room.

Tuesday: About 3:30pm on Tuesday, I got a call from Batman. He wanted to know whether or not I'd like to fill in for him while he was on vacation in the Netherlands (... I suspect that he smokes Marijuana).
I briefly entertained the notion, then asked him what costume I'd be wearing. To which he informed me that the only one he had clean was the Adam West suit from the 60's TV program.
I politely declined, as I didn't want to look like some sort of stooge, then I laid on the ground and did the "Curly Shuffle" until dinner.

Wednesday: I woke early Wednesday morning to the sound of the albino underwear thief shrieking at the top of his lungs. This is typical with crazed albinos...
I asked him what was he was acting like a fool for. He just pointed at a small man in a plaid track suit, who happened to be displaying to the albino, a picture of Rosie O'Donnell in the nude.
I too was bothered by this.
Thusly, I promptly left the room and came back several moments later with a Rambo-style hunting knife and murdered them both on the spot.
I felt bad at first,... then I remembered I had Cookie Crisp.

Thursday: Aside from accidentally eating a half a bag of charcoal and drinking several cleaning products, nothing too amazing happened on Thursday.
I did get sick and die for a little while though...
Someone should really put a warning on those things!

Friday: Friday, I woke up about 9am to the foulest smell EVER!
I couldn't remember what I ate, but I was pretty sure it wasn't me. Then I remembered the albino and the little man in the track suit still laying dead on my floor.
I called my wife to come get rid of them. She cried for a while, but I told her to suck it up, SOMEONE had to clean up that mess! I wasn't touching it, that was for sure!

Saturday: Saturday was WAY boring.
The only thing that happened the whole day was when I tricked all those kids into going down into the cellar where I keep all the flesh eating Pandas. Pfft! I just did that for lack of anything better to do.
Oh yeah! There was the maniac who showed up and demanded that I make him a tuna sandwich. He was insistent too! He kept shooting in the air and stuff. He even stripped down to the waist and rolled around in broken glass while counting in Latin.
I got tired of his crap and just gave him the stupid sandwich. I did spit in it though... That'll teach him.

Well, that's pretty much my week. I hope this next one is more interesting.
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...

To the Moon Alice! To the MOON!!!

In the interest of intergalactic conquest, I took a little trip this past weekend. See,... I'd been building this rocket out in my backyard for some time now. But, being that I'm on a pretty tight budget, and had no formal knowledge of how to actually construct a rocket, it was a bit rickety. Still, my rocket made of chicken wire and burlap sacks was due to launch TODAY.
As I donned my spacesuit (hand-painted track suit), I thought of all the possibilities that could be achieved through my brave and ambitious mission. Scenarios raced through my mind as I placed the flower pot helmet onto my head.
The time had came. I mounted my rocket saddle, wrapped the bungee cord around my waist, and started the detonation process. People came from blocks around to watch me as I prepared my amazing adventure.
I'd concluded just prior to lift-off that my first course of action would be to conquer and imprison the dreaded "Moon-Men". It seemed like the logical thing to do, being that they're most likely evil and all... This would assuredly lead to much celebration among my fellow Earthlings. In fact, it was proclaimed by the guy who eats out of my garbage can that I'd most likely be immortalized on Mt. Rushmore. It made sense...
With mere seconds left till launch I began to notice the oddest odor. As I glanced around I wondered if it was something important, I resolved in short order that it must not be. However, I was mistaken...
It turns out that the fuse to the propulsion device (bleach bomb), had actually started a fire on the burlap sacks which made-up the outer shell of my craft. The fire spread quickly... It was just as I'd began to second-guess my decision that the propulsion device ignited and promptly exploded. It seemed that I'd made a minor calculation in the construction of my rocket, as rather than propelling my ship upward, the explosion actually sent me several hundred feet away from the rocket, catching the crotch of my snazzy spacesuit on fire in the process. Now, in a typical flaming crotch situation I wouldn't really panic. Instead, I'd just extinguish the inferno.
Alas, the situation was indeed different this time around. You see, the blast actually sent me through a fence, some small trees, two car windows, and the side of a house before I finally touched-down. In doing so, both of my arms were popped out-of-joint. While that is a blessing in that they weren't broke, it actually made crotch-fire extinguishing a bit difficult. Also, the fire spread up my body pretty quickly as well, since I was now covered in the bleach from the propulsion device... Oh, and my spacesuit was also made of rayon, which of course, is flammable. I should consider myself lucky though. It only took forty-seven minutes for the fire department to arrive and put me out. I'd hoped that a kindly neighbor would have lent a hand, but it seemed that they all had to get back to their dinners. Now, as I prepare to slather a bit of aloe on my grotesquely burned body, I think to myself, "Maybe I'll just try to conquer that school for blind kids instead...".
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...

Unwelcome Visitor or How I Learned To Lick A Brick and Like It

Crimeny! Okay, get this...
Just like 12 and a half minutes ago I was sitting on the couch, chewing on my toenails, when a brick came crashing through the window! At first I was startled, then... I lost my train of thought and went back to chewing my toenails...
A couple of minutes later, another brick crashed through the other window!
More accurately, it actually landed directly on my sweet pickle and applesauce sandwich... On the brick, there was a note.
After licking off the goodness smooshed all over the brick, I peeled the moist note off and read it...
The note bore the message, "See other brick.", which I did. The other brick had no tasty treat to lick off of it, thusly I wasn't nearly as fond of it... I did read it however. It said, " There's a killer in the house! Get out!!!".
I thought about this for a moment. Then slowly I stood up, as to make as little noise as possible. Then, ever so carefully, I reached down and scratched my buttocks.
"Hmmmmmmm. A killer?", I thought to myself. "That reminds me,... I could really go for a refreshing glass of iced cold milk right now. THAT... would be killer.".
As I shuffled my way to the kitchen and past the man in the Porky Pig mask wielding a sickle, I opened the 'fridge. In it, I saw something bone chilling!!! The milk was GONE and someone had spilled strawberry marmalade all over my liverwurst!
Frustrated and a bit unnerved, I turned, and there again was the Porky Pig man...
He, with his deep, booming voice, said to me, "I've come to b-dee-b-dee-b-dee KILL YOU!!!".
"Junk like this really annoys me!", I thought to myself as I pushed past the blade bearing maniac... "Who, in their right mind, would spill marmalade all over perfectly good liverwurst?!!".
A few minutes later, I came back through again, and this masked freak was STILL there. All breathin' heavy and everything, like he was waitin' for me to make sweet, sweet lovin' to him or somethin'...
This, of course, was not going to happen. Mainly because I am SO NOT gay, but also because he had really skinny legs...
But, I did feel bad for him, so I did something to prove I cared. I dropped my stylish khakis down to my ankles, revealing my ultra-sexy underpants. Then, with my fingers interlocked behind my head, I thrust my pelvis at him several times over the course of a few moments...
Finally, I guess he'd had about all the sexy hotness he could handle and he lunged at me!!!
Being cat-like and nimble, I side-stepped him and curtsied to him in an act of ultimate defiance...
His eyes burned with pure hatred as he stood back up and again lurched toward me!
This time, I wasn't wanting to play around. For, now, I was officially irritated. So, rather than side-stepping the lunatic, I jumped high in the air (sans pants) and gave him a series of 11(!) airborne kicks, the last one separating his head from the rest of his now lifeless body!!!

Well, now I guess I should get some pants on so I can drag him out front and burn his body on my lawn as an example to my neighbors. Perhaps this way they'll take me serious and stop locking their doors at night, so as to inconvenience me when I want to use their toilets. Yeah, that's what I'll do...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...

The Mysterious Box of Majestic Grooviness...

I bought this little metal box at a swap meet last weekend. It was a little rusty at the edges and had a couple of fair size dents in it, but that's not what concerned me. Oh no! I noticed that it was locked and there was no key.
A morbidly obese man with a well-worn "Jews For Jesus" t-shirt and urine soaked sweat pants told me that he found it while digging through the garbage can of an ancient Chinese "Master of the Mystic Arts". He then proceeded to pick his nose with a plastic fork for several moments until I finally just walked away...
So, I took my new purchase and started toward the parking lot, but not before being flashed by a most gruesome elderly woman working at the "dream catcher/plumbing supply" table.
The drive home seemed to take forever! I'm not sure whether it was the anticipation or the fact that my car only tops out at 8mph...
Anyway, when I finally got home, I noticed that the box had started emitting a strong sulfur-like odor. I thought to myself, "Wouldn't you know it?!! Everything I buy starts smelling like brimstone!!! Curse my luck!".
Then, after changing into a loin cloth and suspenders I started trying to jimmy the lock open with a screw driver. Then a pocket knife. Then a paper clip. Then a crow bar. Then a hand gun. Then a small charge grenade. Nothing was working!!!
Frustrated, I walked outside and saw a sharp dressed man in a crimson cape with a rather dapper goatee catching small birds on fire with just the snap of his fingers.
When he saw me, he smiled and said, "Good day Benjamin! I have something you might want.". Then, he held up a rather elaborate brass key. "All you have to do...", he began, "is sign on the dotted line and this could be yours...".
While he was droning on, it occurred to me that that key may just fit my stinky little metal box! So I reached for the key, but he shoved the pen and paper toward me. This annoyed me, so I head butted him in the teeth, breaking off one of his pronounced incisors and once he collapsed from the pain I stepped on his groin. He coughed-up little chunks of what I assume to be testicle as I took the key and went back in the house.
I sat down on a bean bag and jabbed the key mercilessly into the lock. Success was mine!!!
As I slowly opened the top of the box, I peered inside.
To my astonishment, looking back at me were two little eyes. "How weird...", I thought, "maybe it was a puppy?".
Instinctively, I threw the box to the ground and began stomping it like some sort of berserker!!!
It was then that I heard it, the little voice from inside the box that pleaded, "Would ya stop stompin' me ya giant butt-monkey?!!".
Puzzled, I ceased my furious attack and took a step back. Just then, a miniature man stepped out of the partially crushed box. He was well groomed, in a somewhat dated, powder blue leisure suit, and wearing a rather dashing top hat. He informed me that his name was Hat-Headed Terrence and that he could offer me three wishes.
This was great! I could wish for so many things!!! World peace! Food to feed the masses! Free health care! More money than I could spend! A pair of crushed velvet pajamas! A new car! A huge house! Significantly larger genitalia... Anything I wanted.
After several moments of pondering, I decided what must be done!!!
I walked out of the room for a few seconds then came back in with a pencil sharpened as sharp as sharp could be.
Hat-Headed Terence asked if I was planning to writing a list of things I'd like to wish for, but instead I drove the tip of the pencil through his tiny chest and ate his little corpse between two slices of whole wheat toast.
Afterwards I patted my belly and smiled knowing that I had, in fact, gotten my wish. A sandwich made from a miniature man,... with spicy brown mustard!!! Delightful...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...

Shake A Bad Man's Hand...

Ah, the 1st post of a new blog. How lovely.
Not entirely unlike the 1st bite of a freshly microwaved Moon Pie, is it..?
I suppose we should begin this thing formally...

My name is Benjamin Scott Dennis.
As of this very moment, I am 30 years of age, trapped somewhere between youthful vigor and elderly haggardness...
I live with my delightful wife and 4(!) ever-entertaining children in the badlands of southern Missouri. It's here, in this unforgiving wasteland that we live our lives in fear, each and every day. Fear? Yes! Fear... of the hundreds upon hundreds of cymbal playing monkeys that live here, just below the Earth's surface,... awaiting nightfall. It's then that their reign of terror begins anew, every evening...
Aside from the cymbal playing monkeys and all of the locust plagues, it's really not all that bad here.

I spend my days toiling to make a living for my family, in the dank, dingy pharmacy inside our local Wal-Mart store... It's here that I'm beaten mercilessly with barbed wire wrapped potatoes and forced to dispense prescription medication to the most despicable of souls. Each ready to, without warning, thrust kick me in the larynx to gain their pain pills a day sooner that they're allowed...
While it's a good job, and rarely am I forced to put my head inside the land shark's mouth before being allowed to leave anymore,... I'm afraid this is not my passion.
No sir. For, I'm an ambitious go-getter who wants more from life. MUCH MORE!
See, I long to be a professional comic book creator or character designer for a major animation studio. Either gig would swell my chest with pride and get me that much closer to being able to afford treatment for my debilitating case of radioactive ringworm...

So, I'll be using this blog to keep regular updates of me, on my path to super-stardom, as well as my mentally fragile cries for help...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...