Unwelcome Visitor or How I Learned To Lick A Brick and Like It

Crimeny! Okay, get this...
Just like 12 and a half minutes ago I was sitting on the couch, chewing on my toenails, when a brick came crashing through the window! At first I was startled, then... I lost my train of thought and went back to chewing my toenails...
A couple of minutes later, another brick crashed through the other window!
More accurately, it actually landed directly on my sweet pickle and applesauce sandwich... On the brick, there was a note.
After licking off the goodness smooshed all over the brick, I peeled the moist note off and read it...
The note bore the message, "See other brick.", which I did. The other brick had no tasty treat to lick off of it, thusly I wasn't nearly as fond of it... I did read it however. It said, " There's a killer in the house! Get out!!!".
I thought about this for a moment. Then slowly I stood up, as to make as little noise as possible. Then, ever so carefully, I reached down and scratched my buttocks.
"Hmmmmmmm. A killer?", I thought to myself. "That reminds me,... I could really go for a refreshing glass of iced cold milk right now. THAT... would be killer.".
As I shuffled my way to the kitchen and past the man in the Porky Pig mask wielding a sickle, I opened the 'fridge. In it, I saw something bone chilling!!! The milk was GONE and someone had spilled strawberry marmalade all over my liverwurst!
Frustrated and a bit unnerved, I turned, and there again was the Porky Pig man...
He, with his deep, booming voice, said to me, "I've come to b-dee-b-dee-b-dee KILL YOU!!!".
"Junk like this really annoys me!", I thought to myself as I pushed past the blade bearing maniac... "Who, in their right mind, would spill marmalade all over perfectly good liverwurst?!!".
A few minutes later, I came back through again, and this masked freak was STILL there. All breathin' heavy and everything, like he was waitin' for me to make sweet, sweet lovin' to him or somethin'...
This, of course, was not going to happen. Mainly because I am SO NOT gay, but also because he had really skinny legs...
But, I did feel bad for him, so I did something to prove I cared. I dropped my stylish khakis down to my ankles, revealing my ultra-sexy underpants. Then, with my fingers interlocked behind my head, I thrust my pelvis at him several times over the course of a few moments...
Finally, I guess he'd had about all the sexy hotness he could handle and he lunged at me!!!
Being cat-like and nimble, I side-stepped him and curtsied to him in an act of ultimate defiance...
His eyes burned with pure hatred as he stood back up and again lurched toward me!
This time, I wasn't wanting to play around. For, now, I was officially irritated. So, rather than side-stepping the lunatic, I jumped high in the air (sans pants) and gave him a series of 11(!) airborne kicks, the last one separating his head from the rest of his now lifeless body!!!

Well, now I guess I should get some pants on so I can drag him out front and burn his body on my lawn as an example to my neighbors. Perhaps this way they'll take me serious and stop locking their doors at night, so as to inconvenience me when I want to use their toilets. Yeah, that's what I'll do...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...