The Week In Retrospect...

I lead a pretty average life. To prove this point, and for lack of anything interesting to write, I'll give you an example of the ultra-boring goings-on of the last week.
Prepare to be left feeling sorry for me and the otherwise feeble existence I lead...
Let's see, I guess we start at the start...

Sunday: Sunday is the day of rest, so basically I did two things.
First, I went to church, then I spent the remainder of the day licking pancake syrup off of my own chest.

Monday: Monday was pretty normal up till about noon when I found that 450lbs. albino tryin' to squeeze into my dirty underwear after having burst through my wall just like the Kool-Aid man.
I tried to calmly explain to him that there's no way his 58 inch thighs were gonna squeeze into my WAY sexy boxer briefs, but he seemed rather intent on trying, just the same.
After a brief interlude, I sprayed him in the eyes with wasp spray then beat him about the brow and throat with nunchaku (... or "numchucks" for the simple minded folk) for darn near a coon's age.
Then,... his cell phone rang. I stopped beating on him, because that would be rude to do so while he was carrying on a conversation.
Sadly, he must have gotten bad news, because when he ended his call, he turned to me and started vomiting live chickens. This was scary. So much so as I covered my eyes...
Finally, I resigned myself to one less pair of underwear and just went in the other room.

Tuesday: About 3:30pm on Tuesday, I got a call from Batman. He wanted to know whether or not I'd like to fill in for him while he was on vacation in the Netherlands (... I suspect that he smokes Marijuana).
I briefly entertained the notion, then asked him what costume I'd be wearing. To which he informed me that the only one he had clean was the Adam West suit from the 60's TV program.
I politely declined, as I didn't want to look like some sort of stooge, then I laid on the ground and did the "Curly Shuffle" until dinner.

Wednesday: I woke early Wednesday morning to the sound of the albino underwear thief shrieking at the top of his lungs. This is typical with crazed albinos...
I asked him what was he was acting like a fool for. He just pointed at a small man in a plaid track suit, who happened to be displaying to the albino, a picture of Rosie O'Donnell in the nude.
I too was bothered by this.
Thusly, I promptly left the room and came back several moments later with a Rambo-style hunting knife and murdered them both on the spot.
I felt bad at first,... then I remembered I had Cookie Crisp.

Thursday: Aside from accidentally eating a half a bag of charcoal and drinking several cleaning products, nothing too amazing happened on Thursday.
I did get sick and die for a little while though...
Someone should really put a warning on those things!

Friday: Friday, I woke up about 9am to the foulest smell EVER!
I couldn't remember what I ate, but I was pretty sure it wasn't me. Then I remembered the albino and the little man in the track suit still laying dead on my floor.
I called my wife to come get rid of them. She cried for a while, but I told her to suck it up, SOMEONE had to clean up that mess! I wasn't touching it, that was for sure!

Saturday: Saturday was WAY boring.
The only thing that happened the whole day was when I tricked all those kids into going down into the cellar where I keep all the flesh eating Pandas. Pfft! I just did that for lack of anything better to do.
Oh yeah! There was the maniac who showed up and demanded that I make him a tuna sandwich. He was insistent too! He kept shooting in the air and stuff. He even stripped down to the waist and rolled around in broken glass while counting in Latin.
I got tired of his crap and just gave him the stupid sandwich. I did spit in it though... That'll teach him.

Well, that's pretty much my week. I hope this next one is more interesting.
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...