Livin' La Vida Loca...

So, here's the thing.
I've been getting hounded for the last little while, as it seems that the world over want to know what's been going on in my life.
Well, as a man of many talents, I keep a lot of irons in the fire. So, to speak...
In fact, I'll give you a brief run-down on some of the recent events in my life, just to help you understand just what I mean...
-I was arrested in Salt Lake City, Utah for proclaiming myself the "High Chief Mormon" while wearing a beaded sombrero and no pants. Court date is still pending...
-I punched and wounded a baby panda who was trying to breathe my air. In a fortunate turn of events, at least this one didn't die...
-While engaging in hand-to-hand combat with a ninja/vampire, I was given a nasty infection which lead to me having to drink innocent blood a couple of times. Not that big of deal, but still...
-After having eaten a live penguin, I was mauled by several other penguins. At first it was funny, then later, not so much...
-While listening to the new Justin Timberlake CD, I began vomiting violently until my skull burst into flames and a demon burst out of my colon waving a white flag of surrender. I only made it to track 4 before I decided it wasn't worth the discomfort...
-I urinated, on more than one occasion, into a light socket. Aside from the severely burned groin, I still don't really consider this a bad idea...
-I joined an equal rights, hate group. The idea was to hate everyone equally, but I'm not entirely convinced it'll catch on...
-For a short time I was actually trapped in an alternate reality, which was kind of cool. The only problem being that the women all had really shaggy sideburns...
-I read "War & Peace" while on the toilet. Upon finishing the book, the toilet seat had to be blasted off of my butt with a medium charge of C4 explosives...
-I trekked all the way to the North Pole to hand-deliver my Christmas list to Santa Claus. The jolly ol' elf himself answered to door, wearing nothing but a smile. I'm currently trying to decide if I should convert to Judaism...
-In just under a minute I karate kicked 11 elderly women in the throat. This is a personal best for me, thus far...
-Lastly, for a one-night-only engagement, I joined the legendary rock band AC/DC as their lead singer when Brian Johnson came down with a case of gingivitis. All was going well until I tried to follow-up "Hell's Bells" with a stirring rendition of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs"...
See? I'm a busy little beaver.
But, ya know, it's what makes me who I am.
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you better if you were too...

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Cheerios...

I've got a new project I'm starting.
It's gonna be kinda time consuming, so I don't really know how I'll squeeze it in amongst everything else in my life, but I'm sure I'll manage though. I have to. This is something that I don't just want to do,... it's something I MUST do!
Let me kind of start from the beginning here so that you can understand my reasoning for this...
A little over 6 months ago, I was traveling the world as an award winning tick breeder when I met a man named Mortimer Hammerstein.
Mr. Hammerstein is known by many as the 1st man to use a sock as dental floss. But, that wouldn't be his only claim-to-fame.
Indeed, Mortimer Hammerstein would become even more renowned as the man who created the dish, "Oven Baked Cheerios and Liverwurst Surprise".
It was this that really perked my interest.
I met several time with Mr. Hammerstein about licensing the rights to his famous dish to use as a product to advertise on the backs of my ticks in order to stir a little revenue for the both of us. It was an idea I borrowed from NASCAR. Sadly, he wasn't interested.
Not only was he not interested, but he actually assaulted me violently with a roll of linoleum just for suggesting the notion.
In short, I've declared war on Mr. Hammerstein and any meal that involves Cheerios and/or liverwurst!
Thus, my task is this. I must find a means to construct a Cheerio seeking robot from spare parts of old CB radios and ATARI 2600 consoles.
The plan is to make the robot somewhere in the neighborhood of 29.5 feet tall and able to destroy Cheerios from a distance of no less than 60 yards.
Wish me luck! My vengeance depends on it...
So, until next I blog, remember this! I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...

Something This Wrong MUST Be Right...

It's funny how things catch you when you're not really expecting them.
I mean, like last night for instance...
I was out on the back deck, chopping puppies into stew meat like I do most nights, when I get this feeling... The kind of feeling that something is just wrong.
Feeling the need to investigate, I tossed the rest of the puppy into the pile, put my pants back on, smeared the puppy blood from my face, and inhaled deeply.
Not knowing what to expect, I grabbed my trusty small arms machine gun, a paring knife, and a torch fashioned from a hobby horse and some kerosene soaked rags. Once armed, I made my way down the steps into the dark, luke-warm night.
I looked around my property, searching for signs that something might be out of the ordinary. Upon close inspection I noticed that everything was in it's place. The trash cans were sitting upright, the garage door was locked, the rake was sitting against the fence, the bloodthirsty demon was perched ominously atop my porch. Then I thought to myself, wait(!)... I don't have A RAKE!!!
But no matter, I carried on with my search.
Outside the sanctum of my privacy fence I found dead bodies scattered all over my lawn and the lawns of my neighbors. Monstrous creatures were running through the streets, baying at the moon and eating frozen burritos. Near the mailbox, a semi nude, two headed acrobat was playing the banjo with Flea of Red Hot Chili Peppers fame. While off in the distance, one could hear the sinister voice of Pat Sajak demanding that some unsuspecting fool purchase a vowel.
So, I turned back and shut the gate as nothing seemed abnormal.
I just couldn't put my finger on it...
I gave a half-hearted high-five as I passed the demon again, now feasting on someone's baby. I was perplexed...
This feeling wouldn't leave me.
I pulled out my list of things to do for the day... and each item was checked off. I asked my wife, and over the deafening noise of her band saw she mouthed the words "Shut up.".
What was it? What was it..?
Just then, atomic powered robot samurai burst through the fence and tried to assassinate me. I fought them off valiantly, just like the night before and last Tuesday too...
Outside the gate I could hear elephants trampling crippled people...
What was it..?
Then, as I fired off several rounds from my firearm into the night sky, Santa Claus landed in his flamboyantly decorated sleigh, adorned with silver and rhinestones. At first I was glad, then, after he gave me a low blow and a piledriver, not so much...
For the life of me I couldn't understand why I can defeat robot samurai but not Father Christmas...
What was it..? What was it?!!
Then, as the Earth split in two and Hellfire burst forth from the ground I remembered!!! I'd forgotten to mail off the property taxes! CRAP!!!

So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you better if you were too...

Those That Control Us...

I missed a night of blogging!
It wasn't my fault,... I assure you.
No. In fact, I can tell you exactly what happened. So, sit back, grab a refreshing cola beverage and a turnip and check this out...
It was late. The world was quiet and I was all ready to do my evening blog.
I'd just went through my typical pre-blog ritual of pulling my socks up knee high, putting on one rhinestone covered glove, and drinking milk out of Sitting Bull's skull when I noticed something was amiss.
As I did my dynamic "King of All Sex" pose, I looked up and noticed the ceiling was dripping blood.
Now, make no mistake. The house is kinda old and sometimes it just does that,... but rarely on a Monday!
Then, as I turned on the monitor, the sound of 1,000 screaming hermaphrodites ripped through the silence!!!
Again,... it's happened before, but it's not an every day thing.
Finally, in the radioactive glow of my flat screen monitor, it happened!
The severed, floating head of Richard Simmons entered through the doorway, eye sockets dripping with blood, and chomping in a Pac-Man like manner.
The anti-fat guru's head turned as I watched and went straight to the wireless receiver for my internet service and DEVOURED it in one massive CHOMP!!!
As quick as that, my internet service was NO MORE...
As the vile head turned and floated away, still chomping the air, I wept bitterly.
So, long story short. It took till this morning to get service back.
Stupid Richard Simmons head...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...

Maternal Memories...

I remember my mother with a certain fondness.
She was far from typical, and certainly a bit unorthodox in her child rearing...
For instance, this one time, I stopped along the road on the way back from the bus stop to pick her some wild flowers.
Anyway,... I got home and it turned out she was allergic to this particular flower. So, of course she did what all mothers would do...
She shoved a screwdriver into my lung and laughed maniacally as it filled with blood.
Honestly, after a month and a half of hospitalization, I think she felt kinda bad.
There was another occasion, where her intentions were questioned, but I think she had the best of intentions...
See, she had pretty high expectations for me. So, one day she told me to go out and wash the car.
Never having the greatest eyesight, it turns out I missed some lady bug guts that'd kinda lodged up underneath the headlight.
Well, knowing in her heart that I was capable of better, she made me bathe in a tub of broken beer bottles for the rest of the month.
Ya know what? The next time I washed the car,... I did better.
Uhhh, anyway...
Yeah, kudos to all you moms out there. Much love indeed.
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you better if you were too...

History Lesson...

Very few people know this, but I was actually one of the 1st settlers to come to the Americas way back in the 1970's...
Yup. My homies and I were all hangin' out back home in England when I decided that I was tired of never being allowed to worship freely within the structured doctrines of the Church of England.
It wasn't even so much that I didn't like the sermon or the church itself, it's that they'd never let me on the pony rides after the service because I wasn't taller than the line on the chart. That was whack!
So, after I spray painted the words "Ben Wuz Here" on the back door of Buckingham Palace, my boys and I decided to bail.
We went down to the marina and found these houseboats that were goin' 3 for the price of 1, so we snagged 'em at THAT price and decided to go discover America.
After some sweet paint jobs, a little chrome, and a "Calvin peein' on England" decal, we were ready to rock n' roll. In the tradition of the great mariners of our time, we 1st christened the boats with a bottle of Cristal and dubbed them the Niña , the Pinta, and the Santa Claus...
So yeah, we sailed hard for 2 or 3 days before we ever saw land.
Once we landed, one of the other guys and I got into a fight as to where we were. He swore up and down it was San Salvador, but I was pretty sure it was Cleveland. I got tired of his lip so I wrapped him in fly paper covered in used tampons and beat him mercilessly with a bag of doorknobs.
Later we put on funny hats we found in my grandmother's attic and met some Indians. They were a little frightened at first, but once I explained that we were here to take their land from beneath them and thin their population by 80% they livened up a little. One was named Earl. He was pretty cool.
They taught us how to grow food on the land and how to kill wild game. In exchange, we did their taxes for them and taught them about underpants...
So anyway, I met Pocahontas and we decided to unionize and start a holiday. We called it Thanksgiving because Chinese New Year was already taken...
I guess that's pretty much how Thanksgiving got it's start. Oh, and then we killed Indians and drained the land of most of it's natural resources...
Consider yourself informed...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis and I'd like you much better if you were too...

Public Service Announcement ...

Parents, have you ever wanted to hit your young child utilizing a board with a nail in it?
The councilors at the KBN (Kids, Boards, and Nails) Center For Parents are there, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (except on Arbor Day) to take your call.
We have a highly trained staff of licensed councilors who, just like you, have had to fight the urge to bash a child in the cranium using a board with a nail in it. So, they know what you're going through,... and they can help.
The next time your child, or a child in your neighborhood acts up, remember, boards with nails aren't always the right answer.
If you'd like to speak with one of our councilors, call now. Don't delay. If we can just stop one child from being beaten by a board with a nail in it, it's all worth it.
Our number is 1-877-HIT-KIDS. That's 1-877-448-5497. Call now. Our highly trained representatives are awaiting your call.
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too.