Cometh the Ice Man...

Okay. I hope I'm not alone in this. Tell me if this has ever happened to you...
So, I was perched, hawk-like atop my chimney, finishing off a lovely bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, when I saw the oddest thing...
I saw a man with high standing hair and shiny, baggy pants standing in my driveway, thrusting his groin in random directions. All the while, maintaining a stone cold demeanor...
I tossed my bowl violently away, causing serious head trauma to a nearby neighbor child.
I then stood stoically, straightened my bolo tie and in a voice more articulate than the late, great Charlton Heston, I cried out,"You! Sir! The man with the thrusting groin! Why do you tarry so long in my driveway?! Don't you have other places at which to go and thrust your genitals?!!".
He whipped his head around, acknowledging my powerful voice. Then(!), as quickly as he's turned to me, he again turned away and began thrusting his groin even more forcefully than before! He clenched his teeth and held tight his fists and continued on as I pondered my next move...
Of course, being the humanitarian that I am, I chose to give his one last chance before lashing out destructively.
I again called to him. "Good fellow!", I beckoned. " I have no qualm with you, friend! I simply request that you take your leave of this place and with you take your thrusting loins!!!".
Sweat beaded on his brow as he thrusted all the harder. His eyes staring straight ahead and his breathing was now becoming more and more labored...
Now, finally I'd taken all that my strong willed spirit would allow.
"What is it you want from me villain?!!", I screamed. "The time for peace has passed, good sir! Now, prepare to taste my blade!!!". With this, I drew my Cutlass from it's sheath and lept high into the air!
At once he turned and called out, "Alright STOP!!!", and I paused in mid air to hear what he said next. He proceeded on with, "... collaborate and listen.".
Now I was intrigued. I listened further, still airborne, high above the trees...
"Ice is back with my brand new invention.", he continued. " Somethin'... grabs a hold of me tightly. Flow like a harpoon, daily and nightly.".
I asked of him, " Will it ever stop?!".
"Yo, I don't know!", he quipped back. "Turn off the lights,... and I'll glow!".
This man was no mere mortal. Mere mortals DO NOT GLOW!!!
"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.", the man with the tall hair and groin of many thrusts pompously declared. I was intrigued, so much so that I decided to simply let him say his piece.
"Dance! Go rush to the speaker that booms, I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom. Deadly(!) when I play a dope melody. Anything less than the best is a felony.
Love it or leave it you better gain weight, you better hit bull's eye the kid don't play! If there was a problem yo I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it...".
Finally, it all made sense! I remembered many, many years ago I crossed paths with this man. Nay! THIS MONSTER!!!
It was none other than that diabolical and overly caucasian, VANILLA ICE!!!
How, after all these years he'd found me, I knew not! But certainly, I mustn't allow him to do what evil he had set forth to do!
Again, he clenched his fists and ground his teeth and began thrusting his groin. Not randomly anymore, but instead, at ME!
Now, I was consumed by rage!!! I continued my descent to the ground below and landed, blade in hand, a mere 4ft 3.5in from the Vanilla one...
Then, just as we prepared to engage in mortal combat,... the ground split open and sulfer and steam poured forth!
In an instant, the devil himself ascended from the fiery depths of Hell and stood between us, spaded tail whipping in the wind!
In a voice like a thousand damned souls, the Dark Lord turned to me and spoke these words,... "Hey Ben.".
"Hey.", I replied.
Then, he turned to Vanilla Ice, jabbed his trident into his abdomen and hissed,"Don't you have some more toilets to lick on the the 9th level..?". Then, without awaiting an answer, Satan laughed with terrible delight as he and the "Ice Man" descended back into that infernal pit, the smell of brimstone still in the air...
I shuddered and climbed back to my chimney,... awaiting the next bowl of cereal...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...