Saucers, amd Twinkies, and Martians. Oh, my!!!

Do you know what today is?
No?!
Seriously?!!
Today could very well be one of the most important days in the history of man!
Yes, that's right. Today is the day... that I SAVED THE WORLD!!!
Was it on the news? No. Is it causing a big buzz? No. Why? Because no one else was there... Thanks for the support neighbors!
Anyway. Here's what happened...
I had just finished seeing how many neighborhood felines I could pack into a blender (with Guava juice), when the phone rang.
I hit the mince button and flipped open my cell. On the other end was none other than the ghost of former star of stage and screen, George Burns!
He introduced himself and I replied, "What the dizz, G-Bizzle?!". Then,... the tone turned serious...
He began by telling me of a nefarious plot hatched decades ago by our government to send a group of NAVY men through a rift in the fabric of time, using a wormhole in the thermal field caused by a pattern of high vibration frequencies. They called the mission the "Philadelphia Experiment". The objective was to send these men through the wormhole, to a point some 3 minutes into the future on the planet Mars!!! Once there, a 6 man platoon was to breech the parameter around their high palace and steal their entire supply of Hostess Twinkies, once inside.
They'd then rendezvous back at the original location of the wormhole and pass back through, 3 minutes into the past, back on Earth!
Well,... this happened. Sort of...
Tragically, no one passed back through the wormhole, as they were evidentially lost in the flux, but... the Twinkies made it through. Unharmed!!!
This served as a springboard to promote Dr. Edmond Alessi's theory that Twinkie's are made of an indestructible crust, of obvious extra terrestrial origin! That,... and provide a delicious snack for the science corp. of the United States NAVY!
Well,... to get back to my original story. After I hung up the phone on George Burns' ghost, I poured myself a nice, tall glass of kitten and involuntarily reached into my magic box of treats and produced a... TWINKIE!!!
It was so golden and tempting that I could not resist it's exquisite appeal! As if possessed by some slightly hungry demon, I peeled back the wrapper and sunk my teeth into it's moist, goo filled form! It was so delicious that I followed with another bite, then yet ANOTHER!!! I probably would have taken more bites,... but Twinkies are only about 3 bites long!!!
I chased it down with a refreshing swallow of minced kitty and Guava...
It was then that the roof of my house was ripped from the walls and a sound like a tornado roared through it's inner rooms!
I looked up, shielding my eyes from the debris, and saw what I feared even more than my own reflection in a thong! It was a huge saucer with pulsing lights scattered all over it's surface!
It was causing a vacuum and I could feel myself being lifted into the air...
A large, tri-segmented hatch opened and I was taken up into the craft.
Once inside, I felt a bit disoriented, and while I could see three bi-pedal forms standing before me, I could not make out details, as the light was nearly blindingly bright.
I called out to them, "What do you want with me..?".
They replied in their native tongue, but soon after, a very synthetic sounding voice translated. The Martian had said, "We have come to take back that which is ours. The Twinkies!".
Still blinded, I replied, "Why the Twinkies?! For, they are merely a tasty snack! They are of no consequence...".
Immediately, the Martians became agitated!!! Another cried out, "Murderer!". I was perplexed.
"Murderer?!", I snapped back. "Whom have I murdered?!".
A noticeable sobbing could be heard. Then, the first answered. "You animal! You fiend! These are not for human consumption! Twinkies are Martian offspring!!!".
A sick feeling passed over me as the light faded and for the first time I could see the gray skinned beings. They loomed over me, but yet, seemed mournful.
"We must...", began the third Martian, "destroy the Earth for this atrocity! We must destroy it, as you earthlings have destroyed our young!!!".
Suddenly, a rumbling sound began and I knew right away I hadn't much time!
Quick as a hiccup I leapt through the air and kicked the leader's head straight off his neck! His body stood, squirting a yellow fluid out of the stump of a neck for a few seconds, before collapsing.
The other two Martians stared in horror!
Then, as like lightning, I grabbed the severed head and launched it at the Martian on the right! The head tore a massive hole in his chest and he too, collapsed!!!
The final Martian stood, still in shock. When reality set in, it was TOO LATE!!! I'd already fashioned a crude weapon from the two arms I'd ripped off of the second body and my belt! I struck him no less than 249 times, until he was DEAD!
The saucer then crashed back to Earth!
I made it out with only a slight bruise and a hole in my sock.
But, the Earth had been spared and humanity was again free to consume Martian babies as delightful snack-time treats!
Aside from the huge flying saucer in my side yard, the 'hood was none-the-wiser to the dramatic goings-on.
However... some 3 hours later a Hostess truck pulled up to my residence with a lifetime supply of Hostess Twinkies and other assorted snacks. All a gift to me... Hmmmm....
Point is. I saved the Earth. You're welcome.

So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...