Anyway, Herman works near the Home For Club-Footed, Substance Abusing Albino Midgets where the ever elusive, woman of his dreams is a resident. Her name is May Belle.
On a certain day, Herman saw May Belle outside the Home, kind of stumbling around. His mind wandered for a bit, then he decided that he’s been fate’s pawn too long, and that from here on out, he was gonna control his own destiny. Thus, he MUST go meet her!
So, Herman Aurillius Porter, ran quickly to the back of the corn dog shop! He rifled around in an old box, with a half-dead pig laying atop it, wheezing. After a moment he pulled out the two things he knew would improve his chances with May Belle. A fake mustache and his best clip-on tie!
Herman exited the shop at a sprint and crossed the busy, mid-day traffic. A cool breeze was blowing, making his fake mustache tickle his enormous nose.
Just as he reached the courtyard of the Home For Club-Footed, Substance Abusing Albino Midgets, he noticed the citizens of the community. A panic had came over them. They scattered like fat ladies at a salad bar.
Herman and May Belle made brief eye contact, then both, simultaneously looked away as a roar, unlike any known to human ears was heard. Not only was it loud,... but it was CLOSE! Knowing that his one and only chance to impress his dream girl rested in the balance, Herman ran to her side, pushing several elderly people to the ground, and to certain death in the process.
He scooped her up, slightly wincing from the weight of her 33lbs. frame, and hopped atop the hood of a Volvo, hoping for a look at the monster!
Herman got exactly what he desired!
Towering above the "Urinal Emporium" stood a beast with hideous fangs, dripping acidic saliva that destroyed everything it touched! His body was covered in armored plates, and he had claws that could slash through an armored truck! Fire shot out his ears and the beast’s tail was like that of a mighty dinosaur!
All things considered, the situation looked bad. But, more than the monster's physical traits, one thing seemed the most horrifying. That thing? The beast was wearing a t-shirt with Oprah Winfrey inside a colossal pink heart on the front!!!
With the monster poised to destroy everything and everyone it’s wake, Herman pondered what to do next...
It was then that May Belle whispered something to Herman that would forever change his life.
In a garbled, somewhat incoherent voice, she said this. "Tuuuuuuesadaaay iiis wahhhffle daaay.".
Herman realized that for the love of his sweet May Belle, he MUST defeat this beast so that she can have her life-sustaining WAFFLES!!!
So, summoning all of his strength, Herman lept some 25 feet into the air, un-holstered his atomic death ray, and... was promptly devoured by the beast-man.
Simple proof that nothing or no one can stop anything even remotely associated with the awesome power of Oprah...
Oh yeah, and several months later May Belle married Bernie, the guy who owns the "Urinal Emporium". She then contracted a life-threatening rash. But, I digress...
Anyway...
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis and I'd like you much better if you were too...
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