The Hat Makes the Man...

I had a near tragic experience this evening!
See, I was out sunbathing nude atop the hood of my neighbor's righteous, cherry red Camaro this afternoon, when the police showed up...
Being shy as I am, I covered my neither-region with the latest issue of HIGHLIGHTS For Kids and lept upright!
The eleven man police force before me drew their weapons, and the officer in charge demanded, "Drop the latest issue of HIGHLIGHTS For Kids, and put your hands on the hood of the car!".
"Great.", I thought to myself,... "I'm gonna end up in the tabloids again.".
It was then I remembered something of grave importance! Tonight was free potato salad night at Butch's Vittle Trough!!!
Knowing that free potato salad night officially began at 4:00pm, I knew I had to act fast, as the 'tater salad went FAST!
So, realizing that my hunger outweighed my concern for the current situation, I incinerated the officers of the law with a dreadful blast of my Optic Death Ray and sashayed my way into the house...
Quickly, I dressed in my finest potato salad eating attire, and stepped into the bathroom to check my hair in the mirror. It was THEN that my problem occurred!
MY HAIR LOOKED ATROCIOUS!!!
I started to panic, as there is only one rule for dining at Butch's Vittle Trough. The rule? Your head must be delightful in appearance!
Butch wouldn't even allow me into the parking lot looking like this! He'd probably do like he did last time, and shoot out my tires en route, causing my vehicle to spin erratically off of the road and burst into flames... That was a DRAG!
It was then, my best friend, the evil Professor Beelzebub called. He demanded, "Just throw the first thing you see on your head and get here NOW, the 'tater salad came early!!!".
So, in haste, I did just that! I grabbed a random octopus I'd found in the bathtub, and shoved in violently onto my cranium!!!
Good thing I did too.
When I arrived at Butch's Vittle Trough, I was met with a stirring round of applause for my bold and innovative fashion statement. It was wonderful...
That is until I found out the 'tater salad was gone... Then I just died a little inside.
So, until next I blog, remember this. I'm Ben Dennis, and I'd like you much better if you were too...